snow is back on the ground
still daydreaming of Viejo San Juan
and all it's beauty

i love warm/hot environments
during brutal NYC winters
it's like a drug

this better be my last winter
im trying to be bicoastal
bi-islander, bi-something (except bi-sexual)

i want a new radiohead CD
The Mars Volta's "Francis The Mute"
comes out tomorrow, BUY THE SHIT

it's been a long week
def poetry taped last tuesday thru friday
and i tried to see as many episodes as possible

saw alot of people from everywhere
people barely change
they all look the same

but they're all still beautiful
i'm fucking TIRED
my body hurts

i need to eat more
but lose more weight
WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THAT?

b.

The Wedding (San Juan, Puerto Rico)

I.
dressed in white
fighting the wind
beach in the background
40 family members
I do
I do

rings exchanged
and smiles all across

(without a hitch)

II.
picture my amazement
raised with one sister
now I have 9 brother in laws
and Bernadette

I might start my baseball team

III.
my grandmother is obsessed with
casinos slot gambles
it’s like Gollum and Precious!!!

IV.
the weather out here is WONDERFUL
I used to have an obsession with Barcelona
but Viejo San Juan
is BEAUTIFUL

V.
my grandmother is walking in the street
she must be broke

Abuela, tiene chavo
FUCK YOU!

yup she’s broke

VI.
my brother in law Jimmy (James is his real name)
looks like my little brother already
he might be a new bird in the group

VII.
The Ashford Ave. Strip
reminded me of 8th/ Broadway in NYC,
Cars for days, a lot of Z350s for some reason

VIII.
i miss the hell out of my son!!!

IX.
Tina (sister)
is going crazy because of my insane family
my mom is a wreck
my father is an ASS
and my grandmother isn’t talking to me
because I curse her out

I on the other hand don’t need
a travel tourist plans
give me a map
I’m out

X.
I brought back 19 posters from
El Museo Del Los Americas
SWEET! (FOR FREE)

XI.
on the way back
we found out there is 6 inches of snow
on the ground in New York
(home, sweet, home)

In the night
I run down
the empty streets of
a missing American dream

In daylight
I work my nine to five
like a robot to machine

hanging from ceiling strings on plastic smiles
plastic hands, plastic suits, not a sign of flesh in sight
this town can break you apart
rip your bones from your back
make you question your start
make you hate the art

no matter the weather everything’s not lost
rain or snow you can’t stop me now
I’ll show the world I’m not false
this is me, even if you question how?

the subway’s packed with fallen heroes
with their life on the line
everyone’s holding signs trying to find their way out
with their dignity and pride
and one day we’ll get it when we’re not looking for it
but now we’re just trying not to cross the line

cross out the line
cross out the day
this is the moment we all escape
cross out the love
cross out the pain
this is the moment we all escape
cross out the sign
cross out the way
this is the moment we all escape

a single glance
a sudden dart of pain
ambush, whirlwind
a plain without a feature, bare and brown,
no blade of grass, no sign of neighborhood

nothing to eat and nowhere to sit down,
i don't know where i am or what this place can be,
the heroes who do not bear witness
the flowers of blood fade and scatter in the empty wind
think of cinemas, panoramic sluts
with multitudes bent toward some flashing scene

search the dark, the silence
and the shadows
dark sleep in a huge landscape
of waves taking the earth

there are two trees left
a sycamore and a weeping willow
i'm trying to figure out
which one is more uplifting

tumbleweeds, dry sands,
harsh sun are punishing you
tomorrow's kisses will erupt in your ear
feel the flame stabbing your bones
driving toward the nerve

use bandages with careful positioning
add guilt, fear, self mutilation
light a fire, coal, gasoline,
throw your worries away

just worry about
the blood on the sand
the nails in the man
the headlights of a van
the thorns of the land
the paupers of grand
the doves of steel hands
the tears of swollen glands
the bruises of black old bands

a single glance
a sudden dart of pain
ambush, whirlwind
hold on tight

stressful morning
really shouldn't have woken up
last night my head
was pounding
i know i should've been drunk

fell asleep on my couch
woke up at 3 am
realized the phone hadn't rang
walked to my room
removed my cats
and went back to bed again

woke up this morning
to a familiar number
he talked to me about his morning
and i understood
the hour was getting late
i had to get ready to break

john's mom called, my sister called
too many conversations
before 10 oclock
i was rather quiet
but at least my head wasn't pounding

one day
i'll get my life right
but now i'm trying not
to lose it, sitting on my couch
in a dark room
at 3 oclock in the morning

b.
(no assumptions and judgements allowed)

6 Truths and 4 Lies

1. i had a line drawn thru my hair when i was 11 (hence beginning my hatred for haircuts)
2. i've written over 3,000 poems
3. i've been to every single train station in NYC
4. i hung out with Slash once
5. been arressted 7 times for multiple reason
6. i once had a pet called "Che" & "Blackie" (at the same time)
7. Over the years i had heard over two dozen nicknames for "Bonafide"
8. i have never taken a poetry class/workshop (seriously)
9. i have two sisters and a brother
10. i once worked in The World Trade Center


(borrowed from Oscar Bermeo's Blog)

i want to clear things up
i have not been anywhere near perfect
with this whole situation

this is partly my fault
i've been a huge asshole
and at time down right mean

but at the end of the day
i am still not going to be able to raise my son
which is the whole point of everything

and for someone to think
that they have the right to choose
someone over me

is what drives me up the wall
it's not about us
never has never will

even though someone may think it is
i am his father. point blank
i don't understand why you don't see that

do you think i'll make him into
a gangbanger, or a drug dealer
or better yet, me.

there are worse things in life
than being me, i know a few
of those thing myself

and i think i came out pretty good
but then again it's just my opinion
who really cares about opinions

b.
not the worst person in the world.